malo humora [vicevi]

Mjesto za rasprave o svemu onom što drugdje nije našlo mjesta.

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TB
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Unread post by TB » 03 Oct 2006, 10:08

Zatekla obitelj baku, inace bogobojaznu staricu od 80 godina pri gledanju pornica.
Usto, baka je pornic bila pogledala vec vise od pola!

- Bako, kako to da ti to gledas?
-Da vidim hoce li se uzeti na kraju!

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Bahod
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Unread post by Bahod » 09 Oct 2006, 10:23

PouÄ?no

Mu?? i ??ena odluÄ?e otići na odmor na jezero poznato kao meka i raj za ribolovce.
Mu?? obo??ava u ribiÄ?iju izaći u cik zore, a njegova ??ena obo??ava u miru Ä?itati knjige.
Jednog jutra se mu??, poslije nekoliko sati ribolova, vratio i odluÄ?io malo drijemnuti, a ??ena tada odluÄ?i sama izvesti Ä?amac na jezero premda se na njemu sama ba?? i nije najbolje snalazila.
Upali motor i izveze Ä?amac na jedno usamljeno mjesto, baci sidro, izvadi knjigu i nastavi u??ivati u ti??ini i Ä?itajući svoju knjigu.

Tuda naiđe ribolovni inspektor u svom Ä?amcu, pristane uz ??enin Ä?amac i ka??e:
"Dobro jutro gospođo. ? to to radite?"
"Ä?itam knjigu", odgovori ona (i pomisli: zar to nije oÄ?igledno?)
"Nalazite se na dijelu jezera zabranjenom za sportski ribolov", obavijesti je inspektor.
"??ao mi je gospodine, ali ja ne pecam. Ja samo sjedim u Ä?amcu i Ä?itam knjigu".
"Da, ali u Ä?amcu imate sav pribor potreban za pecanje i ??to se mene tiÄ?e mogli bi s pecanjem otpoÄ?eti svakog trenutka. Bit ću primoran povesti Vas do stanice i protiv vas podnijeti prijavu", reÄ?e on.
"Ako vi to zaista i uradite onda znajte da ću i ja protiv vas podnijeti prijavu, ali zbog silovanja", odgovori mu ??ena.
"Ali, pa ja vas nisam niti dotakao!?", reÄ?e inspektor.
"Da, ali vi za to imate sav potreban pribor i ??to se mene tiÄ?e mogli bi s tim otpoÄ?eti svakog trenutka ... "
"Doviđenja gospođo i u??ivajte u ovom lijepom danu".

POUKA :
Ne ulazi u raspravu sa ??enom koja Ä?ita. Vrlo je vjerojatno da ona zna i misliti.
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ParSek :lol:

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Indigo Montoya
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Unread post by Indigo Montoya » 09 Oct 2006, 10:41

- Sine, kako se zove onaj ??vabo ??to nam stalno skriva stvari po kući?
- Alzeheimer bako, Alzeheimer...
:blob:
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Tanja.C
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Unread post by Tanja.C » 19 Oct 2006, 04:38

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fuk
Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
This is a tow away zone ................... No Pah King
I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
Your body odor is offensive ............... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great ..................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Bahod
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Unread post by Bahod » 05 Nov 2006, 22:39

Upita Mujo Fatu: 'Fato, jesi li slobodna slijedeći ples?'
'Jesam,' odgovori Fata.
'Možeš mi pridržati pivu?'
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Bahod
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Unread post by Bahod » 05 Nov 2006, 22:46

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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SAMSUILUNOV OTAC
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Unread post by SAMSUILUNOV OTAC » 11 Nov 2006, 22:42

Kako se zovu stanovnici SAD-a?
SADISTI!
Kap limuna, zrno soli,
I svaka rana malo više boli.

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Bahod
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Unread post by Bahod » 02 Dec 2006, 09:50

Pivari

Bio simpozij pivara, a u pauzi si ljudi odluče nešto popiti.
I sad, predstavnik Heinekena naruči Heineken.
Onaj iz GÜssera naruči GÜsser.
Onaj iz Stelle naruči Stellu.
Samo Irac iz Guinessa naruči Pepsi.
Pitaju ga ostali: "Pa dobro, kako možeš na simpoziju pivara naručiti Pepsi?"
Irac: "Maa... Kad nećete vi pivu, neću ni ja."
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Bahod
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Unread post by Bahod » 11 Dec 2006, 22:38

Poštovani G. Direktore,

javljam se na oglas za tajnicu jer sam vidijela u novinama a dosta brzo tipkam s jednim prstom i kod računanja isto znam zbrajati a malo kod djeljenja sporije ali ipak izračunam.

Drugo znam na telefon makar bolje znam s ljudima jer sam vidijela da ljudi bolje samnom komuciraju u ćetri oka pa i kad ih je više nego na telefonu.

Još molim da nebude poso kopliciran ali svejedno sam zainteresirata bez obzira.

Da odma priznam znam da mi baš nejde gramatički i da dosta brkam č i ć i ije i je ali je kod mene osobnost da to sve nekako izađe na dobro. Drugo što se tiće plače o tome možemo se razgovarat ko ljudi nisam ja neka da sam gramziva.

Å to se tiće za počet posao mogu odma to jest kad vam odgovara.

Hvala za odgovor koji molim što prije jer mislim da čete ovakvu nač teško jer danas je teško nač provesijonalnu osobu.

Sštovanjem,

Mara

PS – Izvinite ako je molba kratka jer nisam u praksi još za takve molbe pisat pa šaljem i sliku.
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Odgovor firme

Draga Maro,
Radiš od sutra (nabavili smo spell checker)
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Ire
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Unread post by Ire » 12 Dec 2006, 10:17

odvali te u glavu jednim vimenom i dobiš potres mogza :fuj:
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Ire
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Unread post by Ire » 12 Dec 2006, 11:12

Top 20 rečenica koje su mogle dramatično promijeniti tijek priče Gospodara prstenova

:D

1. Gandalf: “Before you decide whether we should go through the Mines of Moria, Frodo, I should warn you that there”™s a 30-foot-tall flame-spewing demon servant of the ancient god Morgoth hanging out down there. Just thought you”™d want to know that.”

2. Gandalf with a light saberPippin: “You want a song, Denethor? All right, stand back everybody ”” here”™s a little number from NWA called ”˜Fuck Tha Police.”™”

3. Sauron: “I know it”™s preposterous, Witch-King. But we”™ve got more than enough orcs here to wipe out Gondor. Post a thousand Uruk-hai by the lava pit on Mount Doom, just in case. Humor me.”

4. Frodo: “You”™re right, Sam. Let”™s tie Gollum up and leave him here in Emyn Muir. No, wait, I”™ve got a better idea ”” let”™s torture the slimy bastard.”

5. Merri: “No, actually, running from screeching Black Riders in the middle of the night doesn”™t sound like our idea of fun. Come on, Pippin, we”™re outta here. There”™s a barrel of pipeweed with our names on it back in Hobbiton.”

6. Aragorn: “You little hairy bastards are much too stupid to be trusted with that ring. Hand it over and go home. I”™ll take it to Rivendell already ”” you”™re just slowing me down.”

7. Eowyn: “Actually, Arwen sounds kind of cute. Do Dunedain Rangers practice polyamory?”

8. Saruman: “On second thought, betraying the gods in Valinor who sent me to Middle Earth and forsaking an eternity of immortal bliss just so I can lord it up with a second-rate evil sorcerer doesn”™t sound like such a good idea. Let”™s breed an army of eagles instead and get that bitch to Mount Doom pronto.”

9. Sam: “All right, Frodo, you”™re getting way too attached to that ring, and we both know it. From now on, we stick that thing in a backpack and carry it in shifts.”

10. Gondorian beacon lighter #7: “Nah, don”™t worry, baby. I”™ve been stationed here for twenty years, and they”™ve never asked me to light that thing. We mostly just sit around playing cards. Nobody”™ll notice if I take the night off.”

11. Butterbur: “I told those Hobbits not to make a mess in my establishment. The stupid Scottish one spilled beer all over the floor. Don”™t bother going to that room, Mr. Black Rider ”” they”™re up on the third floor with the Ranger.”

12. Elrond: “I”™m sorry, we”™re not authorized to perform any Elvish medicine on this wounded Hobbit of yours until we”™ve seen proof of insurance. You”™ll just have to take him somewhere else.”

13. Pippin: “Thanks for busting up Isengard, Treebeard. Don”™t get too settled, though ”” we”™re taking the ents and the huorns to Gondor next. Yes, I know it”™s a long way, but they already walked to Helm”™s Deep, right? Besides, they”™re trees. What else do they have to do?”

14. Elrond: “The Council made a resolution suggesting we take the ring to Mordor and cast it back into Mount Doom, but looks like we”™ve been filibustered by the Gondorian delegation. Guess the bill”™s going back to committee. Frickin”™ Democrats.”

15. Nazgul #4: “You know, if we stopped screeching at the top of our lungs for once, we might be able to sneak up on those little fuckers.”

16. Galadriel: “Thanks, Frodo, that ring will go nicely in my collection. I mean, I”™ve already been rebelling against the Valar for thousands of years ”” no reason to stop now.”

17. Arwen: “Let me see”¦ Another forty years with the man I love, or the rest of eternity frolicking with all my friends and family in a deathless land with the gods right next door. When you put it that way, it”™s really not much of a decision, is it? Besides, Aragorn”™s already got Eowyn, and I”™ve got my sub love slave Figwit.”

18. Faramir: “You know, Frodo, I”™ve got about 50 men here with me. We could take you as far as Cirith Ungol and wipe out that evil giant spider demon. It”™s the least I could do, considering the fate of all Middle Earth is in your hands. Denethor”™s just going to send me to defend a deserted city anyway.”

19. Rosie: “Forget it, Sam, you pretended I didn”™t exist and then disappeared off to who knows where for a year. What was I supposed to do, wait around for you forever? I married Fatty Bolger instead.”

20. Gollum: “Okay, we finally gots our ring back. Now let”™s not waste time celebrating, eh, precious? Put on the ring, push nasty Hobbitses into volcano, and let”™s get back to cave and nice fish. Niiiiice fish.”
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Krvoje
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Unread post by Krvoje » 13 Dec 2006, 03:03

Koja je najveća hrvatsko planina, osam puta veća od Velebita?

Velebajt :lol2:
-Bllaa!-
Yama yo, yama yo
Yama yo, yama yo
Yama wa ikite iru!

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Bubba Zanetti
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Unread post by Bubba Zanetti » 13 Dec 2006, 10:53

Kako se po novom kaže VESELA DJEVOJKA?

LOLita.

:lol2:
Perhaps it's the result of an anxiety.

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Xaotix
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Unread post by Xaotix » 23 Dec 2006, 18:53

Za malo Božićnog ugođaja, a da nije opet o Djedu Mrazu...

"Ring Their Bells", or "The Munchkin's Carol"
--by the Sea Wasp
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)


"Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers die!

Chorus:
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out its fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

(Chorus)

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD...
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
That damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

(Chorus)

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's Throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with prayers and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and shells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!!"
Randomness is strong with this one!

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