malo humora [vicevi]

Unread post by **Ire** » 19 Oct 2005, 22:35

64 ?injenice o teksaškom rendžeru

#1 While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he cant do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
#2 When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
#3 Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure.
#4 It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
#5 Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
#6 Chuck Norris ate his weight at Godfathers pizza.
#7 Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
#8 Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.
#9 Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
#10 The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris' more than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisrobot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single, however, so it was divided.
#11 God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
#12 New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
#13 Chuck Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
#14 Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
#15 One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.
#16 Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
#17 Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.
#18 Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.
#19 When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.
#20 Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
#21 A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.
#22 Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.
#23 Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.
#24 Chuck Norris convinced Anakin Skywalker to join the Dark Side of the Force.
#25 Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
#26 Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.
#27 Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.
#28 Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
#29 Chuck Norris cant eat while standing upright.
#30 Chuck Norris fought a pirate once. It was close but the pirate won. Chuck has been in a state of chronic depression ever since.
#31 In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.
#32 Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany.
#33 One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.
#34 Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
#35 The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
#36 Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
#37 Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.
#38 Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
#39 Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
#40 There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
#41 Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
#42 Chuck Norriss heart beats once every full moon.
#43 Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.
#44 Chuck Norris signed the Declaration Of Independance, The Bill Of Rights, and the Constitution while plundering a poor asian village.
#45 The movie "The Ring" is actually just a Chuck Norris biography.
#46 Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you wont find a single clock. When you ask to leave because its getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
#47 If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.
#48 Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
#49 Chuck Norris can believe its not butter.
#50 Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
#51 If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
#52 Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.
#53 When Chuck Norriss wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Dont worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
#54 We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.
#55 Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
#56 Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris house is a Total Gym.
#57 Ecstacy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.
#58 Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
#59 Chuck Norris put the k in hardkore.
#60 Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
#61 In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".
#62 Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.
#63 Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
#64 Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The names Norris; Chuck Norris."

Unread post by **Bahod** » 19 Oct 2005, 22:35

A farmer sent his 18 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.
"See if you can get a girl in exchange for this," he said.
In town, the lad met a prostitute and said, "It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to..."
"Sure," she said. "I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck." Afterwards, she said, "Do you know, for a 18 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck."
"Sure," said the boy.
When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $1.
When the lad returned home, his father asked, "Well, how did you make out?" His son replied, "Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked-up duck!"

Unread post by **Ire** » 20 Oct 2005, 10:22

U cekaonici kod psihijatra razgovaraju tri ludjaka. Prvi:
- Ja sam Isus Krist i mene je poslao Bog da spasim svijet.
Drugi: Nije istina. Isus Krist sam ja, i mene je Bog za to poslao!
Treci: Decki, nemojte lagati, ja znam dobro koga sam poslao. Vas nisam!

corwin · Unread post by **corwin** » 20 Oct 2005, 19:08

pas koji laje nije dovoljno kuhan :x

Unread post by **Bahod** » 21 Oct 2005, 22:07

"Do you always shower after you had sex?"
"Yes I do"
"Then I suggest you have more sex"

corwin · Unread post by **corwin** » 23 Oct 2005, 20:58

:headbang: :headbang: :iconbiggrin: :iconbiggrin: :uzdravlje:

Dren · Unread post by **Dren** » 24 Oct 2005, 15:37

corwin wrote:pas koji laje nije dovoljno kuhan :x

Ej, to mi je signature na drugom forumu

Da ne budem offtopic:

Kako po?inje [?]kotski recept?

POSUDITE dva jaja...

Miles · Unread post by **Miles** » 25 Oct 2005, 10:38

Kako je nastao Veliki kanjon u Koloradu? Škot izgubio nov?i?...

corwin · Unread post by **corwin** » 01 Nov 2005, 17:49

@Dren
ja sam ga ?uo na radiju :dontknow: :uzdravlje:

Unread post by **Ire** » 14 Dec 2005, 19:02

Djedu je 18 - godišnji unuk koji stalno sjedi pred kompjutorom po?eo pošteno i?i na živce pa mu pri?e i re?e:

"Kad sam bio tvojih godina, išao sam s prijateljima u Trst, upali smo u prvi bordel, sve im pojeli, sve popili, istorbali sve kurve, konobaru popišali šank i otišli bez pla?anja!"

Malomu se ideja jako dopala. Vrati se za dva tjedna sav modar i pretu?en, zamotane glave pa ga djed upita: "Kog si vraga radio?"

"Tja, isto kao ti, išao sam s prijateljima u Trst, upali smo u prvi bordel, sve im pojeli, sve popili, istorbali sve kurve, konobaru popišali šank i kad smo htjeli oti?i bez pla?anja došli su iz stražnje sobe tri gorile i ubili boga u nama!"

"Pa dobro, s kim si to išao u Trst?", upita djedica.

"S Generalturistom," odgovori mladac, "a ti?"

"S partizanima!!!"

Unread post by **Bahod** » 14 Dec 2005, 20:34

KaĹže Perica tati: Na[?]ao sam 100 kn!
Tata pita: Siguran si da ih je netko izgubio?
Perica: Da vidio sam kad ih je traĹžio.

Unread post by **Bahod** » 05 Jan 2006, 00:04

http://www.storewars.org

SAMSUILUNOV OTAC · Unread post by **SAMSUILUNOV OTAC** » 05 Jan 2006, 01:51

Ovaj sam davno pro?itao u Dylanu Dogu al mi je ostao u glavi:

Dobio otac sina, malog ?arlija pa ga ide vidjet u rodili[?]tu. Do?e on tamo i hvali se: "Moj ?arli je prelijepo dijete!" Odvede ga medicinska sestra na prvi kat pred vrata na kojima pi[?]e "prelijepa djeca". U?u unutra, pregledaju sve, a ?arlija nema.
"Kako to da ga nema? ?arli je prelijepo dijete!"
"Sigurno je neka gre[?]ka" smiruje ga sestra, "ponekad se doga?a."
Odvede ga ona na drugi kat, a na vratima pi[?]e "lijepa djeca". Pregledaju sve krevete, a ?arlija ni tamo nema. Otac ljut:
"Ovo nije u redu! Ĺ˝alit ?u se glavnom doktoru! Gdje mi je sin?"
"Ne birnite se. Kladim se da je gre[?]ka" govori sestra i ode s njim na tre?i kat gdje na vratima pi[?]e "ni lijepa ni ruĹžna djeca". Pregledaju i tu sobu i opet ni[?]ta. Tata pobjesnio.
"Pa [?]ta je ovo?! Moj sin je prelijep! Ne moĹžete tako!"
"Smirite se gospodine", moli ga sestra. Odu na ?etvrti kat, a na vratima pi[?]e "ruĹžna djeca". Pregledaju i tamo a ?arlija opet nema. Otac se dere na sestru, vi?e kako ?e tuĹžit cijelu bolnicu, ali ona ga smiruje i odvede na peti kat gdje pi[?]e "jako ruĹžna djeca". Pregledaju i taj kat i opet ni[?]ta. Otac je sad izvan sebe, ska?e i psuje. Sestra ga brĹže odvede na [?]esti kat. Do?u pred vrata i tamo pi[?]e "?udovi[?]ta". U?u unutra, pregledaju sve, kad ono opet ni[?]ta. Otac vi[?]e ne zna [?]ta bi od bijesa. Sestra ga preklinje da se smiri, da je sigurno neka gre[?]ka i odvede ga na sedmi kat,a na vratima pi[?]e "?arli".

SAMSUILUNOV OTAC · Unread post by **SAMSUILUNOV OTAC** » 05 Jan 2006, 01:54

Sreli se James Bond i ?elo HadĹžiselimovi?. KaĹže Bond:
"I'm Bond. James Bond."
A kaĹže ovaj:
"I'm ?elo HadĹžiselimovi?. Odabrao ?elo HadĹžiselimovi?!"